


Husband and Wife

by Yuhi_san



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 22:10:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3427364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuhi_san/pseuds/Yuhi_san
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After defeating the Tex drones, the reds and blues wait for Caronia to come back from taking down the director. And for reasons beyond Washs understanding they have a conversation about levels in relationship. He shouldn't have asked why Caboose thought he and Carolina would be taking their relationship on a new level.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Husband and Wife

**Husband and wife**

Wash was pacing inside the hall, careful to avoid all the Tex drones on the ground. Sure, he decided to let Carolina head in to this alone, too. But now that his former leader actually went to face the director on her own he couldn't deny he felt a little uneasy about it. After all, thanks to his experience with Epsilon he knew of Carolina and the Directors relationship.

Behind him he could hear the sim troopers whine and complain while they patched each other up or were treated by Doc. Considering they fought against all these Texes (even if they were far from the real one) they got off pretty easy. Wash himself had no real injuries either. The minor injuries he has he will take care of himself when they are back. He doesn't trust Docs medic skills, mainly because he didn't feel his toes for quite a while after the guy patched him up from the fight with Tex and the Meta.

"Dude, can you stop that? You are making me fucking nervous."

Washington stops his pacing and looks at Tucker. The teal soldier has his left glove off and holds his with aloe vera covered and loosely bandaged wrist. He probably twisted it as he missed one of the drones and did a spectacular faceplant. Grif lays next to him, on his back and his limbs stretched in all directions. He said something about really going to die about ten minutes ago. He didn't move since, only groaned whenever Sarge nudged his side with his boot to check if he could start celebrating. Doc meanwhile tried to figure out what to do with Simmons wounds as he was a cyborg of some kind and Doc didn't know much about machines. Donut eagerly offered help and Wash was almost sorry for the maroon soldier.

Caboose meanwhile seemed to sleep off his Church-influenced-and-very-terrifying-anger-outburst. He is curled up and peacefully napping with his head on one of the cut in half drones chest. Yep, a very odd group of people.

"Sorry. I guess I'm just a bit worried about Carolina", he admits and reminds himself not to start the pacing again. Tucker snorts. "Worried about her? I kinda feel more sorry for the director guy. I mean Church is already bad enough but Carolina is an angry half shark half cyber-jaguar bitch", he says, then adds: "I think Church really has a fetish. Fuck."

There is a moment of silence because Wash wonders if he really should say something to this. Despite better judgment he asks flatly: "Wait, you really think Epsilon has the hots for Carolina?"

He hasn't even been really serious but he almost could feel how Tucker grins and shrugs. "Dunno, maybe? Would you mind if he did?"

"No." The answer probably came a little too quick because Tucker snickers. "Dude, really? I think Caboose might have been right about what he said." There is a pause, then: "Oh, fuckberries. Did I really just say that?"

"Yes, you did", Wash replies. "And what was Caboose right about?"

Tucker titles his head and Wash knows he grins. The teal soldier appears like the kind of guy who enjoyed making a proper Charlie out of someone a lot. "Well, he said you and Carolina would take your relationship to the next level."

Washs next question came out of his mouth before he really thought about it. "What level?" Somehow, somewhere in the back of his mind he hears North and South laughing like they did when he asked them what York did that he had to do 'late night exercise' with Carolina. Then and now he realized only what was meant when he asked already something stupid or mistakable.

Tucker awkwardly manages to pull his helmet off with the good hand so he can grin properly at Wash. "Well, that was what I was about to ask you", he replies gleefully. His white teeth are a strong contrast to his dark skin and eyes. The Ex-Freelancer blinks in small confusion before he says simply: "There are levels." Tucker keeps grinning and raises his eye ridge in a very mocking manner. Wash frowns disapprovingly and crosses his arms over his chest. "What I mean is that we don't have any kind romantic relationship. Never had, never will", he clarifies.

"So, you heartbroken about it? Ow!" Grif cuts in.

"Private Grif! For once focus on what you do and perish pathetically."

Wash sighs. "No", he says more persistent. "I was part of her team and we were friends."

"So? You can still be banging her. Or the other way around, she seems kinda dominant."

Sarge stops kicking Grif and they both look at Tucker for a moment. "Dude, that's sick."

"Says the one who had a girlfriend with a dick."

"Oh, fuck you."

Wash on the other hand still is kind of starring at Tucker through the visor. "What the fuck is wrong with you? And I actually thought you are the most normal here", he says, then: "Either way, I know this doesn't mean we _can't_. But what I said was we don't and we didn't. How the heck did you even come up with that?" Carolina only ever loved York and he himself had other interests than her. That people thought he was Carolinas younger brother - or anyone elses for that matter - wasn't exactly new to him. But that?

"Me?" Tucker repeats. "Caboose started it."

"Well", Wash says while raising an eye ridge skeptically. "In the time I came to know you I came to the conclusion that everything stupid and or disgusting related to any form of sex is your fault at 99% of the time."

Now it's the teal soldier who blinks before he grins self-satisfied. "If that was a try in insulting me, let me tell you, you failed hardcore." Wash rolls his eyes with enough annoyance that he is certain Tucker can actually feel it. "So it is your fault, then?"

"Yeah, everything is Tuckers fault", Caboose suddenly says from behind. Tucker literally jumps and spins around. But the moment ha braces his weight on his bad wrist he drops on his back with a yelp. He presses his hand against his chest. "You motherfucking asshole!" he howled, his face a grimace of pain.

Wash ignores him and instead ask the suddenly wide awake soldier: "Caboose, can you tell me why you think me and Carolina are having a relationship?"

"Oh yeah, sure", he replies and does a pause normal people would use to think. "Well, you see... Donut said so." With that he points at the pink soldier and Wash hopes it's not too obvious how he can't really look at him. "He wasn't even here", he just points out.

"Welllll... it's kinda a complicated story."

Grif surprisingly did the effort of sitting up. "Okay, that is going to be fun." Tucker stops his whining and also Sarge has his attention on Caboose while the other three come closer as if it was story time.

"So you all remember how I joined the blue team? It was a lot of fun even if everyone tells this lie about me killing Church accidentally with Sheila."

"We remember, bonehead. Tell us the important parts."

"Oh yeah... Me and Church are best-"

"Caboose, I swear to god-"

"Quiet, Tucker", Wash cuts in and then looks at the blue soldier. "Caboose, do you remember that you were supposed to tell us what Donut said about me and Carolina in a relationship?" Wash is really good in doing this voice you use to talk to mentally retarded people, which, Caboose, clearly is. "Ah... Uh, that. Well, uh. That's because, you know it's kinda like a family trip, see? Like when we went to road trips with my seventeen sisters."

"You have seventeen sisters!?" Exclaimed Wash.

"Yeah, they live on the moon."

"Seriously, Wash, you don't really believe that, do you?"

The former Freelancer stars at Caboose, then Grif and back at Caboose who continues unimpeded. "So then we are on the trip. With a few cars. Or maybe a bus. And we all talk and have fun and do bathroom breaks and snack breaks and everyone makes sure the smallest stays with someone. Like Church with Tucker."

"That sounds fucking wrong", Simmons says what Tucker clearly had been thinking.

"So this is really like a road trip with the family. You know, my mom and dad went ahead and bickered over which way and when to do breaks and stuff. Like you and Carolina." Caboose talks happily ahead while Wash very slowly and wordlessly puts his faceplate in his hands. The rest of them are either chuckling or being just as weirded out.

"So you guys did a road trip without us?" Donut complains and considering that the road trip was a dangerous mission he sounded way too indignant. "Trust me, road trips with Wash aren't fun. He's was being an asshole", Doc says as he makes himself more comfortable next to Donut. The formerly grey soldier actually lowers his hands slightly to look at Doc. Or more glare through the visor. "That's because I hate you. And I still kind of do, just so you know", he informs the medic. "Also it wasn't a road trip."

As if the whole discussion wasn't already derailed enough as it was, Caboose of course managed to make things worse.

"And then Donut was like 'oh yeah, that's what Simmons and Grif do, too. They are a married couple-"

"Wait, what!?" the two red soldiers yell in union. They first stare in horror at Caboose, then at Donut and lastly at each other. And suddenly they both are very quick in bringing proper distance between them.

"No. Fucking. Way!"

"I uh… I … no. No… just no…"

While everyone watches in confusion how the two soldiers are completely freaked about what Caboose said, Donut smiles. "Oh, yeah. You bicker all the time but I hardly see you alone. You even were together after the relocation. And you tell each other _everything_."

Before Donut can tell them more details Wash is sure no one (except Doc maybe) wants to hear, it is Sarge who raises his voice. "Private Donut! Whatcha tell you about saying this despicable things!?"

"But Sarge! It's romantic! Like the real thing! They are as good as married!"

Wash is unsure what to do. Either stop them or go away as far as possible. Doc is backing Donut up and Caboose went to poke a mumbling Simmons that hugged his knees tightly while Tucker leans over to Grif. "Congrats. You are now married to the universes biggest nerd. How does it feel? Better or worse than finding out your girlfriend had a dick? Oh wait."

Grif titles his head to the side and it's a rare moment as he works up the energy to actually glare at Tucker. "Shut up, asshole. At least I didn't get knocked up by an alien."

It was very likely that everything would totally spin out of control if it hadn't been for the sound of heavy steps from behind. Everyone glances up and stops while Wash turns around. He is relieved for different reasons to see Carolina there, with no more injuries than before. But he also feels slightly concerned.

"You guys seem to have fun already", she says surprisingly as she puts a hand on her hip, watching them. Wash thinks it's a little grotesque for her to sound so… lighthearted now. "Well, we really had an interesting discussion", Tucker says while he gets up and walks towards the two Freelancers, his wrist still held tightly. He stops next to Wash and looks at Carolina with a huge smile. "So basically we were wondering what level you are on." Carolina titles her head but it's not the scary kind of head title that tells you she is going to kill you horribly and slowly. It's more the curious and maybe a little amused one. Epsilons hologram flickers up over her shoulder. "Who's on what level?"

"Wash and Carolina. Tucker however thinks you are the one with a fetish for mean half shark half women", Grif ads, still sounding sullen about the whole thing with Simmons. Carolina glances at him, then briefly at Tucker. But her eyes settle on Wash. And what she does next he will never know whether she did it on purpose or not.

"Well, Wash, are you going to fill me in?"

For a heartbeat everyone is just silent. Then Tucker howls, loud enough for the Freelancer just next to him to flinch. " _BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!"_ and the sim troopers all just break into laughter. Wash is also sure he sees Carolina smirk under her helmet before he covers his visor with his hands once more.

"I hate you", he says to her, to Tucker, to everyone. Because really, he didn't deserve _thi_ s.


End file.
